What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
13.06.2025 02:13
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
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A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
I was seconnd youngest,
Why did lobsters evolve bright colors if they are neither poisonous nor venomous?
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
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I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
He was dying to do it , i knew.
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Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
I write beautiful poetry .
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But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
Why do narcissists and especially covert narcissists always play the victim?
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
So whats the point in blame.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
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They are buried together, in the same grave..
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
Comes on , in middle age.
Who is the most trusted person in your life, and do they have the same trust on you?
I did it because my mum asked me too!
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
I could never make a relationship work though!
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Why did i forgive my father ?
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
I was scared of men, in general
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
Was to survive, this bastard.
But it wasn’t much.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
One cannot live in the past .
So, i spoilt her more .
But ive been too sick for many years..
It was going to be , some day.
Ive learnt so much.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
Especially a lifetime of it.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
I waited trembling.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
But, we were locked up after school.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
We were not on the streets..
He knew the spot.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
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It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
My mum and dad in the seventies!
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
My life is so biszare .
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
What did i know ?
She was in good health!
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
I had hoped to write a book about this .
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
Would this be the day?
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
Who then, do I blame.?
I know ,a lot about trauma.
I don,t even have a pension.
She found it foreign!.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
I said to her
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
We all went to grammer schools
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
(And it was in our own minds.)
Im still living with it.
I was 9 years of age.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
I will be 64.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
I have no regrets .
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
When she asked me how she looked .
She wouldn,t have been !
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
My family never makes their pension either.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
I think the readers, may guess!
Put me off passion for life!!
She loved him until the end.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
On the 31st of Jan this month .
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
He resisted the act ,that day.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
As i do to all so called friends.?
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
This is soul school!.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
All the time i was locked up.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
The only rule us 5 kids had .
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
I couldn’t, believe it.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
I never cut or harmed myself..
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
I was very sick at this time too.
She married twice! .
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
Im dying but, im not bitter.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
And i lived it daily.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!